Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
