Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
