i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
