dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
