After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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