I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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