I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
