Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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