The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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