Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
