Don't make out with my wife yet
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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