We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
