I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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