I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize