Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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