Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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