My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
