I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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