you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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