why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
