Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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