eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
