you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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