i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
