One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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