took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
