Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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