bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
