I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
