Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
