Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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