I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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