Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
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Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
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Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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