You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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