Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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