New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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