So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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