If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
