He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
