new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
