he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My vagina just recognized that song.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
