the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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