i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
