so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
