My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
