her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
oh god the rape fog is back!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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