A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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