she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize