They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Found your dick twin last night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
