what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
