I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
