i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
