i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
