my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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