I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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