it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
